Sneaky Poo

I know it might be a bit of a ‘gross’ subject but I just quickly wanted to bring to light something that I have been struggling with for a little while, and it has got to do with poo.

Now my wife works with poo all day (not a commentary on the quality of her work colleagues, from what I know they are great) as a dietitian She asks people about their poo all day and how its moving, gross, but that’s not what I want to talk about, I want to talk about social convention.

If you are anything like me you really dislike pooing in public, For me that includes school, church, others houses, theatres, restaurants, etc. I hate the thought of the bacteria on the seat rubbing off on me, water splashing up on me, etc, but sometimes it cant be avoided.

You become resound to the fact that there is no avoiding the inevitable and you must go for a really quick ‘dropping the kids at the pool’ style visit (which always takes a little longer than you first anticipated due to the stress levels). As if it wasn’t enough that nature had left you in that vulnerable state sitting and waiting as it decides your fate, your worst fear is bought to a head…Knock, Knock, Knock… Oh no, there is someone there and you tighten up like a clam, great I’ll never get this done now. Then silence, you suck up whatever is left hanging and hope not to make a splash, …you wait…hear no movement…you wait, nothing…then like the apocalypse is coming all at once Knock, knock, knock. What do you do?

I know you are meant to answer back and say ‘I’m in here’ but something within me is disgusted at the thought of that, I have a distinctive voice, they will know it was me in there, what do you do, I sit and wait, I’m not answering. My question is this. What do you do?

Do you just sit, I know I’m running a massive gauntlet not speaking because quite often at school students often turn the little dial to ‘engaged’ or ‘the red dot’ so it is often the case that no one is actually in there and some people just turn it back and come in. Is it unreasonable to ask people to just go away if the sign is red? Can I make up my own sign for when I go to the toilet that says ‘I will not answer so if the dot is red, nick off’?

I don’t know, all I want is just to do my business and get out, if it is red try again in 3 mins, I’ll be out for sure, I’m not updating my facebook status about it, I just want to do my business and go.

So if you are ever anywhere that I may potentially be and the sign is ‘engaged’ and no one answers, just give me a minute and I’ll be out very soon.

Just a thought.

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