Tear Down, Build Up

I love my wife, one of the reasons I love her so much is that she makes up for the things that I am not good at and she isn’t scared to tell me when to lift my game. She cares about others feeling, She knows what the right thing to do is when it comes social convention and keeping up friendly appearances. It’s not that I am not friendly or that she is being deceptive and a ‘suck’ to others, it is more that she thinks about the impact of ours/hers/my actions when I forget.

She is not scared to pick me up on my faults, she’s not scared to tell me to pull my head in, and she sure knows how to hit me where it hurts, my ego.

I got ‘in trouble’ from her the other day about some of my actions from over 3 months ago when I chose to not attend a party we were invited too (I will point out that I was exceptionally tired and slept the whole time I would have been there anyway, but I did have the wrong attitude about going). I thought this issue was done and dusted 3 months ago, but obviously not. Something about it must have meant so much to her or got under her skin enough that she has held onto it for over 3 months and waited for the opportunity to bring it up with me.

Em knows that I really want to have a Godly marriage and placing Jesus at the centre of everything we do in our lives (particularly how we relate to each other) is the way to do that, but unfortunately this is terrible idea if you aren’t holding up your end of the bargain when it comes to supporting each other, giving each other the time they need, being at home enough, committing to play sport together every Thursday night and cancelling week after week, etc., There is no chance for ‘slack’ days from growing your marriage when Jesus is the centre. I read my bible, I listen to worship music most of my day, I try to write Christian Blogs, I do all sorts of things that keep me on track with God, to keep my heart committed to Jesus, to shine my love of Christ around, but that makes no difference if my wife isn’t feeling like she can see Jesus in me or in our relationship.  I’ve been playing in a show recently and it has meant that I have had to go straight from work at school to work at the show and unfortunately I didn’t get home to spend anytime with her except between 12am when I got home and 6am when I got in the morning and it was terrible for us both, I came to the realisation that although I am not good at giving her quality time when I am home, I really do miss just being home at the same time (and yes I am working on the quality time thing too, failing dismally, but trying)

Unfortunately she is at home sick today and has been Half Sick for a number of weeks, even months, and all she wanted me to do was affirm her decision to stay home from work and get better today. I have previously told her many times that she should rest, she should have a day off if she is unwell, she should get back on track with her health because doing life at half strength only puts you more behind. She plainly asked me, looking for affirmation, ‘Do you think I should have the day off’, I asked how she felt and she explained it to me. I have been trying very hard to make Em make her own decisions about things like that because she doesn’t like to make a definite decision, she likes someone else to have the final say for her to feel happy about doing it. Anyway, in this spirit of trying to get her to make the decision herself, thinking I was doing the grown-up/better/superior intellect thing in helping her build herself up, I said in a calm and loving tone, ‘I am not going to tell you that you should have a day off, you need to decide yourself’, instantly it was like her ‘Dave’s ego button’ had just been triggered, she tore me down, like a dagger designed to slice my heart into mince meat she responded with ‘You always tell me what to do anyway, why is would it be any different now’

Ouch … Heart = Mince Meat.

The worst bit was that she was right, I was just being arrogant subconsciously.

Can you imagine my pain? More importantly can you imagine her pain? I’m thinking I’m helping while she thinks I don’t care about her feelings at all, I think I’m being humble and loving in building her up while all she sees is arrogance. I am utterly ashamed that I was so emotionally and physically unavailable that it took 3 months for her to tell me that I was wrong in that situation and I needed to ‘fix my attitude’ with that party and our friendships.

I love my wife, she can rip down my faults in an instant, smash my pride in a second, shake my self -righteousness straight off, but the best bit is she can build me up even quicker than she tore me down. I’m so glad she’s mine.

Because without her in my world, I’m nothing.


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